A Strong Place and Wonderful was the Wizard's Tower...But the Powers that be had slowly Shaped it to Their Shifting Purposes, Which Came from an Evil Place.

    For many years the Wizard's Tower has stood. It has given many the tools to continue on in life, it has helped many move forward past the hurdle of restarting their adventures, including our brave heroine. But as time has moved on it has been ever changing, being corrupted from the "family" of people it once protected, becoming less and less of a place of camaraderie and learning. It has been moving towards a soulless place. A place which removes the joy from it's people, almost alive. This monster has started to take it's toll on many who have stayed there long years.

    Enter our heroine, four long years ago. She had begun her battle, to come back from the bottom of the pit of despair. Her life a shambles, but slowly taking a turn for the better. She had returned to the land of her youth, after years of running away from the fights she needed to confront, to face those demons and work her way back to the life she once knew and loved. Returning to those she had chosen as her adventuring crew, if not her chosen family. She was finally starting to feel some hope, especially when she was chosen by the Wizard's Tower to join their ranks. Amidst the darkness that was surrounding this place, it was a beacon of light. A way out of the darkness and to start again. She accepted their invitation and started to learn.

    She learned to crack the codes and where to procure the items for each person's loss that came through her hands. She was good at it and happy that she had found something she could excel at. She found herself with enough gold to live a decent life, albeit, not a life of wealth, but for the first time she was not worried about feeding herself and her familiar Willowcat, paying for her past mistakes and starting to move forward in life. Things were going well, just after her acceptance to the Tower she even found herself starting a wonderful, while sometimes trying journey with her amazing questing partner. This adventure we call life was cresting a high peak and things were good.

    She was happy there for two years. Then she started to feel and see the changes. Subtle shifts in the atmosphere around her. Changes from the Powers that Be to make things slightly less pleasant. The changes were so slight, she figured the Tower had just grown and was adjusting to the increased levels of help they were providing to the people at large. So she continued on her way, happily doing her job and living her life. Fighting other monsters and bosses outside of her days of code cracking and finding the items people needed.

    She continued this way for about another year. It was at that point she found out she needed to see a Master Healer for some problems in her spine that had grown to a nearly unbearable level. It was at that point that she had been rejected for two separate positions of advancement, which again, she hadn't thought anything of as she knew she was good at her current place. The person who had fought so hard for all of the resources of the humans in the Tower decided to leave. As, apparently there were problems with other Powers that Be. The corruption had already started to take over those in power. It was a huge blow, and as the weeks prior to our Heroine's healing leave progressed things got worse.

    When she came back from her time of healing, things had changed even more. Her pay had decreased, both because of changes in the world at large and because she was not as fast as she had been due to her injury, though it was better than before she went to the Master healer by leaps and bounds. Her time away had given her rest and the ability to realize just how much had changed in the years she had been there.

    After that point her awareness of just how corrupt things were became quite clear. But she still had hope that some of the goodness of the Tower would prevail and things would in turn get better. She continued in this until shortly after the new year, despite yet another decrease in her gold intake. It was at that point when the corruption and greed revealed itself. There was a change in the entire structure of how this job she had been doing for so long was done. Which brought all of the people who had been protected by the Tower to a crawl. All the people they had helped were not seeing that help for weeks rather than days, the gold intake of nearly everyone was cut in half and things started to look very grim indeed.

    This is where we find our heroine now. She often spends her days in tears due to feeling as if she was no longer good at the job she had always excelled at. The monster Anxiety she has nearly always fought and won against, has started to take hold, which caused more problems. She feels at a loss and is trying to get herself out of the place where she once felt so happy. She is so very grateful for those wonderful adventuring crew and chosen family for all of the support they have given in the recent crushing blows. She is also so very happy to still have her questing partner with her through all of this as she attempts to push her way through the mire that the Tower has now put her in. For now she waits for the next good turn of this adventure called life, hoping she can just hang on until that happens.

The SOMEWHAT Faithful Steed Who Couldn't

     A special thanks goes out to my amazing sister for helping inspire this post, as the idea sprang from something she said to me. Love you! You are in fact the bestest sister ever!!  Also a special thanks goes out to my amazing questing partner as he was so very supportive this past week.

     Late in the eve of the new year our heroine decided to venture out. It was dark and slightly wet. Her Ember Steed, who had caused her much grievance in the two years and six cycles that our lady had owned her having to see it's healer many times over the course of that time, seemed to be in good health and was rearing to go. The gentle rain was not a deterrent as she pushed forward on her way to celebrate the coming change of time with some she held dear. She was excited and had dressed for the celebration accordingly. In a shimmery gown and hair done to match. Her eyes sparkled as she made her way onward to the new and away from the old.

    As she progressed on her journey the weather turned for the worse. The rain became snow and caused our heroine to slow her pace as it was progressively harder to see. She managed to keep control of her mount, but stayed at a slow pace to make sure of the footing. Though her ability to see continued to diminish, she continued on.

    As she continued through the hills and bends of her path she felt herself slipping, but this time she managed to maintain control of the reins. Ember bucked and fought to get her head and take control away, but our lady was far to smart to let that happen. Two more times Ember fought against the reins and tried to get away. Our heroine continued to manage to keep the steed under control, still following the slow and steady path of the turtle.

    Up and down the hills and around the bends she continued. Slowly and careful all the way. Then she came upon that fateful hill, she could feel Ember wanting to fight her once again. She proceeded to the top feeling a bit of pride at the accomplishment thus far when suddenly, as if Ember could feel the relief she made her move, she bucked and our lady lost control of her steed. Back and forth across the path completely swerving out of control. As our heroine was dragged along she realized in horror that her very life might indeed be in danger. She tried desperately to follow and regain control of the reins when suddenly there was a loud bang. Ember had crashed into a barrier in the side of the path, and had stopped dead.

     Shaken and scared, our heroine went to investigate what had happened to her poor steed. When she came to the other side of Ember, her eyes grew wide and she let out a gasp. Ember seemed to have broken a leg, perhaps more. Our lady is not an expert on such things, so she was unsure of the extent of the damage to her poor mount. She moved back to her place and tried to see if Ember could in fact continue on, but sadly it was all for naught.

    Our heroine soon sent a message to her questing partner so that he was aware of what had happened and then she proceed to message those who she was to celebrate with that eve. She finally called a transport to make sure that Ember was able to get closer to home, to her healer even, which was very close to her abode, she gathered her belongings and said a very sad goodnight to her poor Ember.

    The process for finding out what exactly was wrong with her poor steed seemed to take forever, though in truth it was only two days. When they finally told our heroine the news of her steed she was crushed. Her poor Ember was to be put out to pasture, the first steed she had been able to acquire on her own. She had worried this was going to be what transpired, but she was unsure. As the next few days went forward, our heroine retrieved her tack and tried to brace herself for this steed's departure. It was not easy on our heroine in any way. She shed many tears, but tried to keep it to herself.

    The day came and now her poor Ember had been taken away, never to be seen again. She still felt sadness though she knew that there was hope, that she would again find a steed who was worthy and would carry her through her coming journeys far better than Ember ever had.

"After her harrowing journey, our fair heroine found her mount unable to continue on. But she did not give up for she was as brave as she was beautiful! She began her quest in search of a new mount. A better mount! When she found it, she knew! This was what she had been searching for! This, at last, was her new beginning!" - My wonderful, beautiful, talented and amazing sister.

 

This is the Story Lady and her Monsters...

    Today I am going to tell you all about the story of a little Mystic Theurge, who loved people. So much that she had a hard time when she was left on her own. She had people she loved more than life and knew they also cared for her in return. It had take a long time and she had many adventures along the way to find her way to these people, but she had found her family, her adventuring party and her questing partner. She knew that she had so many things that she could be absolutely thankful for. She had a domicile with her wonderful questing partner. She had a job at the Wizards Tower, while tedious and a bit stressful at times, still gave her the gold necessary to cover the needs she had.

    Even with knowing she had all of this, she knew it to the deepest part of her being, however, there was a problem, a monster inside which constantly ached to get out. Constantly caused her to falter and often question the very life she was living. This monster's name was Anxiety. He and his sister Fear, were always attempting to poison everything she knew and believed. She often would spend time with those she loved and feel unwelcome, unwanted and unloved. Not because she actually was experiencing these things, but because the monsters inside were whispering in her ear. Telling her she wasn't good enough, telling her she didn't really belong, that people didn't truly like her, She was too weird, too funny looking, too friendly, not nice enough, not smart enough, over and over to the point where there were times she rolled too low on her Will save and ended up sitting by herself unhappy as she believed these monsters in her head.

    There were days when the battle was to leave her bed and actually do her daily tasks. Including just walking down the stairs to start work for the day. There were days when she would just sit and cry, knowing she needed people in order to pull herself out, but she had given into Fear and couldn't or wouldn't reach out to others, whether thinking they wouldn't want to hear it or deal with her. Or just plain not wanting to burden anyone else with her battles.

    Asking for help was never and option. If one of her adventuring party or her questing partner happened to be there at one of those moments and offered to help, she tried to accept, but even that was a challenge. She had always been able to fight her own battles and get through what she thought were some of the hardest moments of her life. Horrible questions were planted in her head by the monsters, "Why was this such a problem now?! Why can't I just get through it on my own?! When did I become the person who desperately needs help but can't ask due to fear?"

    It took a long time for her to finally start admitting to some people that there might be a battle she couldn't win. She might need help to make it through. Asking those she loved to understand when she had to stay home or when she wasn't her happy self. Asking them to be patient when her head started to play tricks on her. Knowing that this battle is going to be a long one. She is still trying to make her way through. Trying to defeat the monsters on a daily basis and make her way back to feeling more like herself again. Some days are harder than others and the stress of the other battles which life has pushed in front of her lately hasn't made it any easier. But she is working her way out. All she asks is that others know, and if they have the ability just let her know that she isn't alone. Because she's done trying to do this on her own and finally trying to ask for help.

Carry on My Wayward Everyone...Peace Maybe When We're Done?

    As many of you my dear readers know, I have been having some trouble keeping myself actually posting and staying current on this anecdotal pathway of events. Some of you do know what I have been dealing with, however for the rest, here is the road thus far!

    For the last 3 plus years I have been battling one of the biggest battles someone like me could have battled. When you are a healer in life, you spend all of your time helping others, putting others first and attempting to ignore any pain or hardship that presents itself to you, so that you can continue to help others. This battle wasn't against a boss, per-say, it was a fight to continuously function as I had. There was a curse eating at me, taking away my ability to do all the things I love one by one, it's name was Chronic Pain. That curse grew and festered until I could push it aside no longer. I could barely move my head, my hand was continuously tingly or numb, it had been effecting my work at the Tower, it was effecting spending time with my crew and it was effecting my life with my questing partner, something had to be done. I finally had to contact my primary healer and see what could be done.

    Now, thinking that maybe it was just a pulled muscle or damaged nerve, she sent me to have physical therapy. There was no imaging done, no attempt to truly find out what the problem was and sending me on my way. After nearly 3 months of this therapy with no real improvement I had to contact my primary healer again. After fighting with them for several weeks to no avail. I was finally contacted and treated as though I was once again making things larger than they were, however, they did ask questions and finally sent me to a new healer, a surgeon to see if he could help.

    When I met with this surgeon, he sent me for imaging of the bone structure within 5 ticks of walking in the door. After nothing obvious came up on those, he did some actual movement testing on my arm and shoulder, as well as my neck. He was furious that my primary healer had not sent me for imaging previously and believed the therapy had perhaps caused things to get worse. I finally felt as though I had a champion who would help me and perhaps take away the curse I had been dealing with for so long.

     He sent me to have magnetic imaging done, which was a whole new and weird experience for me. I had to lie in a giant tube as magnets spun around me, magically taking images of my spinal column. It was not a long process and I was contacted just a few short days later to go back and see this surgeon who truly wanted to help.

    My champion surgeon, was very concerned when I met with him the second time. For I had masses in my spine as well as a protruding disc in my neck. So he sent me to another surgeon to look, as the spinal masses he was not equipped to handle. I was so relieved that I finally was getting someone to help as it had been years of pain and dealing with this in my life.

    After meeting with the second surgeon, I was very pleased as well, he genuinely wanted to help as well. After seeing my images, he informed me the masses in my spine were not a problem. However, the disc in my neck was in fact going to continue to cause me pain. So it was decided that I have it replaced, a surgical procedure which should help with everything.

    So, after what seemed like an eternity, though it was only a few weeks later. I went under the knife. They made me unconscious and took out my disc made of cartilage and replaced it with a bionic piece, fusing it to my spinal column. When they went in to replace it, they found that 2 of my vertebrae had also collapsed. So it was a bit more of a process than expected. However, I had no idea until I awoke in the recovery room.  As I came to, I realized that I could in fact feel my left hand and it wasn't tingling any longer. I announced this, as I was very altered by the potions they had given me, just as my surgeon walked in. He got a very large smile on his face and told me this was a very good sign.

    It has been nearly 3 months since the surgery, it will be officially 3 months in 5 days, and I have been progressing in the healing direction. I have had days of pain still, but they are less and less as the days go by. I know I had a lot of damage to my nerve endings and to my muscles around my spine up near my neck and I know they will take time to heal fully. However, the fact that I am finally starting to feel like myself again and to have full days without pain. I am able to go for walks again, I have been progressively more and more social with my crew and it has helped to remedy things a great deal with my questing partner.

     Do I still have a decent way to go, probably. But I have been progressing in an upward direction. Albeit, I now have a tiny bit less essence than I did before this all began, but I will take the small loss and the little bit of bionics if it means and end to this curse. My wonderful sister and friend has informed me that I did in fact gain a super power from all of this, I have an insanely large pain tolerance at this point, beyond that of what I should in fact have had in my life.

     My lesson to all of you in this, chronic pain is no joke. It is a curse, it is something that can be even more debilitating than the worst plague. It can cause changes in personalities, lifestyles and even dispositions. Please be very kind and patient to those who live with this curse, for until you have lived that life, you cannot begin to understand what someone is going through. Be accepting and just show them that you are there for them. If I hadn't had the support and love that I had throughout this process I honestly don't know where I would be.

The More You Know.....

    It's been a while dear adventuring friends. I have been very busy with many large quests and battles in my life these last month's. I will attempt to regale you with these things soon. But first there is something very dear to my heart that I must share with you first.

    A friend of mine actually shared this article on the Book of Face and it struck me as something that needed to be shared. Not just as something on my own wall, but shared with everyone who I can. This is absolutely something as adventuring ladies we deal with.

    Feeling safe and accepted as a person is a reward for a huge ugly boss in our fight called life. All people deal with it to some degree. However, those of us who are women are still often battling the mindset that we are the "fairer sex." People are not aware that our boss fights in this aspect are often much larger and much harder to beat.

    As a female gamer, I still occasionally hear things from my male counterparts along the lines of, "girls don't play video games," or, "you can't be a gamer, you're female." Those statements cause wounds, they are attacks, while we have all brushed them off as amusing in the past. We are stuck in the back casting heal spells on ourselves for a bit after.

    It often causes us to fight back, to push forward and make sure we are better at each battle than anyone else, so we aren't disregarded as, "just someone trying to play because their S/O wants them to." Or, "she's just trying to impress and date guys." We often just get disregarded entirety as people who actually enjoy questing, fighting and having fun with these things.

    So I am asking, please educate yourself that this does happen. Please think about the comments that are actual attacks that we have brushed aside every day. I know life isn't easy for anyone and it's hard to join a questing party with anyone. But if we are more mindful of those around us and how much hit point damage our words and actions can cause it makes the world a better place.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-reality-that-all-women-experience-that-men-dont-know-about-kelly-jrmk/

You Have No Power Over Me...Well...Mostly...

    Battle time! In a room full of people who I consider to be part of my crew and people who I have won the battle versus the boss Low self esteem, suddenly I feel very alone and out of place. I am standing on the edge of a battle field filled with the elite monsters, Stress, Unhappiness and Loneliness. I start to fight them. Knowing full well I am going to need some help in this battle as I have fought them many times before. The problem I have is knowing how to call my crew and raiding party to arms as I don't want to cause pain or worry to those I care about.

    I whip out my spell of "Mischief Maker." Where I share my silliness and attempt to find that place of fun once more as well as give me a buff against the downness that I know will be coming with their attacks. As I cast this I am hit with a large Sadness attack, which lowers my defenses against them. Granted I have the buff but the damage of the attack is greater than my defense against it. Then I am hit by a wave of "Lack of Belonging," which is the second level of the Sadness. I am starting to falter, not knowing what to use against these monsters. I start to use my skill of, "Attempt to Talk About Things." But it seems it's a little too late. After several attacks from these monsters I feel defeated and use my last ditch effort of "Hide." It does seem to work slightly as they miss a couple of attacks that I have a feeling would have hurt a lot.

    Suddenly I see a light in the darkness. A few of my crew have passed their perception and are noticing the fight, they cast buffs and some healing on me using hugs and verbal components. Then they join the fight and help me win the battle!  The monsters go running for the hills! I start to relax and feel the effects of having my amazing crew. The victory fanfare plays and we all celebrate. I know the war is far from over, however we have won the day!

    After all of this I am still suffering the after effects of the battle and I know those monsters will return to try to hurt me another day as they have been my nemesis for many long years now. For now I rest, try to let my wounds heal and let the effects of their spells wear off. They seem to be  much higher than rounds per level. It may in fact be several days until I am fully functioning at my full strength again. Still, I am so grateful to my crew and raiding party that they were there for me when such ugly monsters reared their heads!

*Insert Bloodlust Noise Here* Lioness Mode Enabled

    One of the most interesting things in life is that it is constantly throwing situations at each of us where we have to respec our talent trees or in turn re-roll as a new class of person. Each of us on our individual life path's are constantly changing, adapting and learning. It's absolutely intriguing to look at the ways each person I know has or has not changed. But in turn, we all have changed a great deal.

    When we are younger everything is new, shiny and we know everything. Especially when you find yourself surrounded by people to raid with or run dungeons with for the first time in your life. You get excited and happy. You learn to adapt to other's, you learn to beat new bosses and to work with other people in that goal. Ultimately there will be people who help you in that change, whether it's because they hurt you or because they help you find your roll in the raiding party. Some people help you realize which talents you want to take on your talent tree or cause you to be more of a defensive player than an offensive player. Any way you look at it. People change. It's just something that happens.

    Recently I have been finding that some people who perhaps knew me when I was just a little NEWB in this game called life seem to believe that I haven't come as far as I have. That I haven't beaten as many bosses as I have and haven't learned so many more talents on my talent tree and I have to say it has hurt and caused me to be very upset and angry. I realize they may be people who haven't seen the changes and don't know everything about where I've been over the last several years of my life path. They haven't seen the fact I've had to re-roll a few times and re-spec my entire life several times over. Honestly I don't believe that these people are worth it if they aren't going to believe that they are not the only ones who have experienced change and growth due to their own selfishness and self conscious issues, whether they're aware of it or not.

    I have come a long way from where I was I was just a NEWB. I have kept a decent job here at the Tower, I have people who aren't going to continuously put me down and cause me to be in a constant state of self doubt. I have a fantastic support structure and wonderful people in my life, including my amazing questing partner who rocks my world and does his very best to be supportive and helps me through things when they're upset. I am NOT the scared, overly excited, awkward little magic user I was back then. Am I don't with my changes and my growth? Definitely not! But have I come a long way? Yes! So I suppose the only way to end this is I am me, hear me roar!