Today I am going to tell you all about the story of a little Mystic Theurge, who loved people. So much that she had a hard time when she was left on her own. She had people she loved more than life and knew they also cared for her in return. It had take a long time and she had many adventures along the way to find her way to these people, but she had found her family, her adventuring party and her questing partner. She knew that she had so many things that she could be absolutely thankful for. She had a domicile with her wonderful questing partner. She had a job at the Wizards Tower, while tedious and a bit stressful at times, still gave her the gold necessary to cover the needs she had.
Even with knowing she had all of this, she knew it to the deepest part of her being, however, there was a problem, a monster inside which constantly ached to get out. Constantly caused her to falter and often question the very life she was living. This monster's name was Anxiety. He and his sister Fear, were always attempting to poison everything she knew and believed. She often would spend time with those she loved and feel unwelcome, unwanted and unloved. Not because she actually was experiencing these things, but because the monsters inside were whispering in her ear. Telling her she wasn't good enough, telling her she didn't really belong, that people didn't truly like her, She was too weird, too funny looking, too friendly, not nice enough, not smart enough, over and over to the point where there were times she rolled too low on her Will save and ended up sitting by herself unhappy as she believed these monsters in her head.
There were days when the battle was to leave her bed and actually do her daily tasks. Including just walking down the stairs to start work for the day. There were days when she would just sit and cry, knowing she needed people in order to pull herself out, but she had given into Fear and couldn't or wouldn't reach out to others, whether thinking they wouldn't want to hear it or deal with her. Or just plain not wanting to burden anyone else with her battles.
Asking for help was never and option. If one of her adventuring party or her questing partner happened to be there at one of those moments and offered to help, she tried to accept, but even that was a challenge. She had always been able to fight her own battles and get through what she thought were some of the hardest moments of her life. Horrible questions were planted in her head by the monsters, "Why was this such a problem now?! Why can't I just get through it on my own?! When did I become the person who desperately needs help but can't ask due to fear?"
It took a long time for her to finally start admitting to some people that there might be a battle she couldn't win. She might need help to make it through. Asking those she loved to understand when she had to stay home or when she wasn't her happy self. Asking them to be patient when her head started to play tricks on her. Knowing that this battle is going to be a long one. She is still trying to make her way through. Trying to defeat the monsters on a daily basis and make her way back to feeling more like herself again. Some days are harder than others and the stress of the other battles which life has pushed in front of her lately hasn't made it any easier. But she is working her way out. All she asks is that others know, and if they have the ability just let her know that she isn't alone. Because she's done trying to do this on her own and finally trying to ask for help.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Carry on My Wayward Everyone...Peace Maybe When We're Done?
As many of you my dear readers know, I have been having some trouble keeping myself actually posting and staying current on this anecdotal pathway of events. Some of you do know what I have been dealing with, however for the rest, here is the road thus far!
For the last 3 plus years I have been battling one of the biggest battles someone like me could have battled. When you are a healer in life, you spend all of your time helping others, putting others first and attempting to ignore any pain or hardship that presents itself to you, so that you can continue to help others. This battle wasn't against a boss, per-say, it was a fight to continuously function as I had. There was a curse eating at me, taking away my ability to do all the things I love one by one, it's name was Chronic Pain. That curse grew and festered until I could push it aside no longer. I could barely move my head, my hand was continuously tingly or numb, it had been effecting my work at the Tower, it was effecting spending time with my crew and it was effecting my life with my questing partner, something had to be done. I finally had to contact my primary healer and see what could be done.
Now, thinking that maybe it was just a pulled muscle or damaged nerve, she sent me to have physical therapy. There was no imaging done, no attempt to truly find out what the problem was and sending me on my way. After nearly 3 months of this therapy with no real improvement I had to contact my primary healer again. After fighting with them for several weeks to no avail. I was finally contacted and treated as though I was once again making things larger than they were, however, they did ask questions and finally sent me to a new healer, a surgeon to see if he could help.
When I met with this surgeon, he sent me for imaging of the bone structure within 5 ticks of walking in the door. After nothing obvious came up on those, he did some actual movement testing on my arm and shoulder, as well as my neck. He was furious that my primary healer had not sent me for imaging previously and believed the therapy had perhaps caused things to get worse. I finally felt as though I had a champion who would help me and perhaps take away the curse I had been dealing with for so long.
He sent me to have magnetic imaging done, which was a whole new and weird experience for me. I had to lie in a giant tube as magnets spun around me, magically taking images of my spinal column. It was not a long process and I was contacted just a few short days later to go back and see this surgeon who truly wanted to help.
My champion surgeon, was very concerned when I met with him the second time. For I had masses in my spine as well as a protruding disc in my neck. So he sent me to another surgeon to look, as the spinal masses he was not equipped to handle. I was so relieved that I finally was getting someone to help as it had been years of pain and dealing with this in my life.
After meeting with the second surgeon, I was very pleased as well, he genuinely wanted to help as well. After seeing my images, he informed me the masses in my spine were not a problem. However, the disc in my neck was in fact going to continue to cause me pain. So it was decided that I have it replaced, a surgical procedure which should help with everything.
So, after what seemed like an eternity, though it was only a few weeks later. I went under the knife. They made me unconscious and took out my disc made of cartilage and replaced it with a bionic piece, fusing it to my spinal column. When they went in to replace it, they found that 2 of my vertebrae had also collapsed. So it was a bit more of a process than expected. However, I had no idea until I awoke in the recovery room. As I came to, I realized that I could in fact feel my left hand and it wasn't tingling any longer. I announced this, as I was very altered by the potions they had given me, just as my surgeon walked in. He got a very large smile on his face and told me this was a very good sign.
It has been nearly 3 months since the surgery, it will be officially 3 months in 5 days, and I have been progressing in the healing direction. I have had days of pain still, but they are less and less as the days go by. I know I had a lot of damage to my nerve endings and to my muscles around my spine up near my neck and I know they will take time to heal fully. However, the fact that I am finally starting to feel like myself again and to have full days without pain. I am able to go for walks again, I have been progressively more and more social with my crew and it has helped to remedy things a great deal with my questing partner.
Do I still have a decent way to go, probably. But I have been progressing in an upward direction. Albeit, I now have a tiny bit less essence than I did before this all began, but I will take the small loss and the little bit of bionics if it means and end to this curse. My wonderful sister and friend has informed me that I did in fact gain a super power from all of this, I have an insanely large pain tolerance at this point, beyond that of what I should in fact have had in my life.
My lesson to all of you in this, chronic pain is no joke. It is a curse, it is something that can be even more debilitating than the worst plague. It can cause changes in personalities, lifestyles and even dispositions. Please be very kind and patient to those who live with this curse, for until you have lived that life, you cannot begin to understand what someone is going through. Be accepting and just show them that you are there for them. If I hadn't had the support and love that I had throughout this process I honestly don't know where I would be.
For the last 3 plus years I have been battling one of the biggest battles someone like me could have battled. When you are a healer in life, you spend all of your time helping others, putting others first and attempting to ignore any pain or hardship that presents itself to you, so that you can continue to help others. This battle wasn't against a boss, per-say, it was a fight to continuously function as I had. There was a curse eating at me, taking away my ability to do all the things I love one by one, it's name was Chronic Pain. That curse grew and festered until I could push it aside no longer. I could barely move my head, my hand was continuously tingly or numb, it had been effecting my work at the Tower, it was effecting spending time with my crew and it was effecting my life with my questing partner, something had to be done. I finally had to contact my primary healer and see what could be done.
Now, thinking that maybe it was just a pulled muscle or damaged nerve, she sent me to have physical therapy. There was no imaging done, no attempt to truly find out what the problem was and sending me on my way. After nearly 3 months of this therapy with no real improvement I had to contact my primary healer again. After fighting with them for several weeks to no avail. I was finally contacted and treated as though I was once again making things larger than they were, however, they did ask questions and finally sent me to a new healer, a surgeon to see if he could help.
When I met with this surgeon, he sent me for imaging of the bone structure within 5 ticks of walking in the door. After nothing obvious came up on those, he did some actual movement testing on my arm and shoulder, as well as my neck. He was furious that my primary healer had not sent me for imaging previously and believed the therapy had perhaps caused things to get worse. I finally felt as though I had a champion who would help me and perhaps take away the curse I had been dealing with for so long.
He sent me to have magnetic imaging done, which was a whole new and weird experience for me. I had to lie in a giant tube as magnets spun around me, magically taking images of my spinal column. It was not a long process and I was contacted just a few short days later to go back and see this surgeon who truly wanted to help.
My champion surgeon, was very concerned when I met with him the second time. For I had masses in my spine as well as a protruding disc in my neck. So he sent me to another surgeon to look, as the spinal masses he was not equipped to handle. I was so relieved that I finally was getting someone to help as it had been years of pain and dealing with this in my life.
After meeting with the second surgeon, I was very pleased as well, he genuinely wanted to help as well. After seeing my images, he informed me the masses in my spine were not a problem. However, the disc in my neck was in fact going to continue to cause me pain. So it was decided that I have it replaced, a surgical procedure which should help with everything.
So, after what seemed like an eternity, though it was only a few weeks later. I went under the knife. They made me unconscious and took out my disc made of cartilage and replaced it with a bionic piece, fusing it to my spinal column. When they went in to replace it, they found that 2 of my vertebrae had also collapsed. So it was a bit more of a process than expected. However, I had no idea until I awoke in the recovery room. As I came to, I realized that I could in fact feel my left hand and it wasn't tingling any longer. I announced this, as I was very altered by the potions they had given me, just as my surgeon walked in. He got a very large smile on his face and told me this was a very good sign.
It has been nearly 3 months since the surgery, it will be officially 3 months in 5 days, and I have been progressing in the healing direction. I have had days of pain still, but they are less and less as the days go by. I know I had a lot of damage to my nerve endings and to my muscles around my spine up near my neck and I know they will take time to heal fully. However, the fact that I am finally starting to feel like myself again and to have full days without pain. I am able to go for walks again, I have been progressively more and more social with my crew and it has helped to remedy things a great deal with my questing partner.
Do I still have a decent way to go, probably. But I have been progressing in an upward direction. Albeit, I now have a tiny bit less essence than I did before this all began, but I will take the small loss and the little bit of bionics if it means and end to this curse. My wonderful sister and friend has informed me that I did in fact gain a super power from all of this, I have an insanely large pain tolerance at this point, beyond that of what I should in fact have had in my life.
My lesson to all of you in this, chronic pain is no joke. It is a curse, it is something that can be even more debilitating than the worst plague. It can cause changes in personalities, lifestyles and even dispositions. Please be very kind and patient to those who live with this curse, for until you have lived that life, you cannot begin to understand what someone is going through. Be accepting and just show them that you are there for them. If I hadn't had the support and love that I had throughout this process I honestly don't know where I would be.
Monday, July 18, 2016
The More You Know.....
It's been a while dear adventuring friends. I have been very busy with many large quests and battles in my life these last month's. I will attempt to regale you with these things soon. But first there is something very dear to my heart that I must share with you first.
A friend of mine actually shared this article on the Book of Face and it struck me as something that needed to be shared. Not just as something on my own wall, but shared with everyone who I can. This is absolutely something as adventuring ladies we deal with.
Feeling safe and accepted as a person is a reward for a huge ugly boss in our fight called life. All people deal with it to some degree. However, those of us who are women are still often battling the mindset that we are the "fairer sex." People are not aware that our boss fights in this aspect are often much larger and much harder to beat.
As a female gamer, I still occasionally hear things from my male counterparts along the lines of, "girls don't play video games," or, "you can't be a gamer, you're female." Those statements cause wounds, they are attacks, while we have all brushed them off as amusing in the past. We are stuck in the back casting heal spells on ourselves for a bit after.
It often causes us to fight back, to push forward and make sure we are better at each battle than anyone else, so we aren't disregarded as, "just someone trying to play because their S/O wants them to." Or, "she's just trying to impress and date guys." We often just get disregarded entirety as people who actually enjoy questing, fighting and having fun with these things.
So I am asking, please educate yourself that this does happen. Please think about the comments that are actual attacks that we have brushed aside every day. I know life isn't easy for anyone and it's hard to join a questing party with anyone. But if we are more mindful of those around us and how much hit point damage our words and actions can cause it makes the world a better place.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-reality-that-all-women-experience-that-men-dont-know-about-kelly-jrmk/
A friend of mine actually shared this article on the Book of Face and it struck me as something that needed to be shared. Not just as something on my own wall, but shared with everyone who I can. This is absolutely something as adventuring ladies we deal with.
Feeling safe and accepted as a person is a reward for a huge ugly boss in our fight called life. All people deal with it to some degree. However, those of us who are women are still often battling the mindset that we are the "fairer sex." People are not aware that our boss fights in this aspect are often much larger and much harder to beat.
As a female gamer, I still occasionally hear things from my male counterparts along the lines of, "girls don't play video games," or, "you can't be a gamer, you're female." Those statements cause wounds, they are attacks, while we have all brushed them off as amusing in the past. We are stuck in the back casting heal spells on ourselves for a bit after.
It often causes us to fight back, to push forward and make sure we are better at each battle than anyone else, so we aren't disregarded as, "just someone trying to play because their S/O wants them to." Or, "she's just trying to impress and date guys." We often just get disregarded entirety as people who actually enjoy questing, fighting and having fun with these things.
So I am asking, please educate yourself that this does happen. Please think about the comments that are actual attacks that we have brushed aside every day. I know life isn't easy for anyone and it's hard to join a questing party with anyone. But if we are more mindful of those around us and how much hit point damage our words and actions can cause it makes the world a better place.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-reality-that-all-women-experience-that-men-dont-know-about-kelly-jrmk/
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