Home is where our story begins…

Hello dear readers! I feel as though there are so many new adventures that I should update everyone on. This cycle has definitely been fueled by the winds of change. I feel that this next cycle of 2020 will be continuing that trend of change.

Honestly, where I am and where I feel the winds bringing me is happier, healthier, more confident and truly being myself and comfortable in this roll life has given me. My path is a bit different from where I was before. 

Recently I have not been facing too many battles with things, as the monsters of fear and anxiety seemed to have quieted as of late. Not gone completely mind you, just much less huge battles that leave me gasping and broken all the time. 

I have been wandering the realm of thought. Particularly on the subject of a home and what that actually means to this little adventurer.

Previously in my life path I have found people and fellow questing / raiding people who felt like home. People I felt safe and comfortable with. I have been fortunate to find these things and these people. They have helped me through more battles and given me more downtime than I can in fact share with you all. But I have never had a place or an area that just felt that way. A place that I knew I could belong and just be me. It's been a rather uncomfortable walk on this path at times, but usually I could find my comfort and peace when I surrounded myself with those who became family rather than just my raiding party.

Recently however, I have in fact found myself spending time, yes with more people who feel like home, but also in an area that I just feel myself. A place I feel comfortable and relaxed. A place I feel I need to relocate myself to as it just feels like home. I have never experienced such a thing in my life and it is truly satisfying and freeing. To know I can be in this particular neck of the woods and know I was home.

I have felt this hiraeth - a homesickness to a home you have never had or you cannot return, for most of my life. So you can imagine the surprise when that was finally quelled in this particular place and area. It has been a thing I have longed for, most of my life and now that I have found it, it is time to keep it and build on it, to let it grow, let myself continue to heal and reach towards the next thing. The next adventure in life. The new path that I am going to be following. 

Does it mean I am completely abandoning my former family and those who have stood with me against the biggest of my boss battles and running headlong to this place and these people? No! This place is definitely not so far as to have that happen. I will still be able to make my way to see those who mean so much to me and have become such huge parts of my being and my path, but I feel I will be more at peace and happier in my traversing to see them. With this new path I am very much looking forward to what life will bring. I meet the new day gladly.

Remember Remember the 11th of September

Hello dear readers, I am posting today as myself rather than the normal anecdotal style I prefer. Mainly for one reason. Please bear with me as I will return us to our regularly scheduled storyline next time I post.

Today always marks a weird day for me. I was woken up out of a pretty dead sleep by what I can only describe as a "disturbance in the force," to a message on AIM to turn on my TV. I was one of those people transfixed to the television when everything was happening in NYC. It was horrifying and terrible to watch. Everyone frightened of what was going to happen next.

That evening I went with a group of my friends to the most numb and quiet goth night I have ever been to in my life. Everyone just standing somewhere in the rooms with their drinks, holding each other and just unsure of what came next for everything.

It was a strange day, it was a sobering day. A day that makes me look back and know that I am so lucky to have the life I have, the people I have, the ability to find magic in the mundane and the knowledge that everything could change in an instant.

In college I did a paper about how most of our society remembers exactly what they were doing, exactly what happened, etc on those days of bad things happening. Ask your grandparents or great grandparents, they will tell you exactly what they were doing when JFK was shot. Ask people who were around and functioning in 1986 when the Challenger blew up. Most of the time they will remember the big bads and not the good things.

So I challenge you all, to start remembering the good! To start seeing all the things in life that show you this magic in the mundane. To appreciate those you have and what you have. Because that is truly the best life for each and every one of us!

Heroes Are Eternal at Least to Us

Hello again dear readers. Your resident Gamer Girl here coming to you live from this corner of the world. Something that has been weighing on my mind as of late as the cycles have gone by is that I have reached a place and an age where those who I held in the highest esteem, those who are the cause of some of my own adventure paths are starting to cross over to their next adventures.

These beings and people have inspired, have shown strength, and have been warriors for things which so many of us believe in. Over the last few cycles I know I have personally been saddened by the loss of a few. Whether they are musicians on the level of Sirens, muses or very powerful Bards. Or they are idols in their chosen life paths and we see them as examples of how we want to live our lives. Sometimes it is the warriors who have been fighting their fight for so long and they were finally defeated or have gone to rest ahead and wait for us on the other side.

As of recently even my own personal heroes have started to cross over. As it would be dishonorable of me to hide the truth, it has been causing a whole lot of sadness in my own life path. This battle is one that I fear we all just need to ride through to the other side of things. Grief is a fight that often leaves us scarred for life. It does get easier to live with the pain, just as physical scars fade, but losing these people of such high esteem definitely causes us to face some things that many people fear.

Know, dear readers, that many are suffering this same type of wound. You are not alone in your fight! Some days you will fall and the tears will come. Some days you will remain strong and show Grief and Loss that they do not have a complete hold on you. Some days you will need those you consider your tribe, crew or questing party, don't be afraid to reach out to those around you if you need help in the battle. We all need a little help from time to time.

Never forget those who have gone on before us. Letting them live on in your memories and hearts keeps them alive and allows them to be Eternal in our minds. It keeps them near and above all can help us control the monsters that are Grief, Pain and Loss. Life is not always fair, but we can absolutely show the monsters in our lives that we are not pawns for them to play with. Be strong dear readers until next time!

Blessed are the Geeks...

When last I wrote dear readers, I spoke of the difficulties of being a female in the comic world and the pride that all of the heroes of the former outcasts finding their way to the light. Today, I need to talk about something else, something that hits just as hard and close. So many people don't realize and today it seems to be making a comeback. This beast seems to be rearing it's ugly head once again. Today, I won't even start with our heroine today as this is completely a confession and something many I know have dealt with.

As a female gamer, geek and freak it has always been a bit of a rough road. I have had to claw and prove myself the whole way through. People informing me I can't be a gamer, because I'm a girl. Asking me, oh, are you playing because your boyfriend does? Or the other side of the coin, "Oh look it's a girl, I need to hit on her!" Making me feel harassed and like a piece of meat. Many of the people who in the past I thought were interested in me, for me, turned out to be interested only to be with a gamer girl, and when they got to know the real me, my intensity as a person or my eclectic interests caused things to end, quite abruptly or people would try to change me.

You would think that a group filled with what in the past has been seen as societies outcasts would be happy to accept new people, regardless of gender, race, orientation or religion into their midst with open arms. I am here to tell you, that many of us have spent way more of our lives "proving themselves worthy" than we should have.

Yes, there has been a rise in the geek and gaming community in the recent years. However, these issues still persist. I know, we are all human and in that fallible. But seeing this happening still, makes me both sad and angry. It makes me want to speak out and do something about it. It makes me wish that this community which I have grown to be so comfortable in and such a part of my life would be able to evolve above this as it wasn't too long ago that people were ridiculed and rejected for being gamers, geeks or nerds and still are in many places and ways.

I know, that at this point in my life I am lucky enough to have found some exceptions to this way of thinking. I do have some amazing gamers and GMs in my life who are open minded and treat people with respect. But my point is, I shouldn't have had to. I feel like especially with everything that is going on in the world right now that we should be banding together, not continuing to have prejudices against others in our community.

I am also saying that we should stand up to those who would discriminate against people for these reasons as it is not okay. I'm not saying that if you get a weird vibe from someone or if you don't get along with someone you need to include them and make them a part of your life. Just don't discriminate for their gender, race, religion or anything that makes them different from you. As this is why we some of the horrible things going on in our world these days and I for one want to truly do something about it!

So stay tuned for next time dear readers, where our brave heroine may in fact be back to regale you with more stories that you may in fact relate to in your life.

This is the Story of a Girl...Who Read Comics to Escape her Whole World

Hello Again Dear Readers! I know, two posts in the course of a couple of months, it's unheard of these days! But part of my desire for the next year is to in fact write here more often and to write more in general. So as is the standard of this blog let me tell you a story about a young girl and her fantasy world.

Growing up our heroine from previous stories, was alone a lot. She was different from a lot of the other young adventurers that she knew. When they would run, she would dance. When they would do some sort of competitive activity she would read, when the other young adventurers would head to their classes to learn, she was kept at home to learn from her mother. To escape some of the hurt she felt from being alone, among other things, she would find herself lost in imaginary worlds and books for much of her free time.

One of these such worlds was a world where the pages of said books were filled with stories about an older student with red hair trying to decide which of two beautiful maidens he would decide to have as his primary questing partner. Stories of a ghost who seemed friendly and always tried to help people. Stories of a very rich duck, of all things, and his antics with all his gold. They captivated the young heroine and drew her in, in a way which she never expected. 

Move forward a few cycles, the young heroine was tired of the old stories and looking for new ones. She happened upon stories of a brilliant psychic man and his school for people who were gifted with powers beyond her imagination. Still spending much of her time alone she poured over these stories, eating them up and trying to read more and more of them. Letting herself get lost in this world filled with the Men of X. She still read to escape from the hardship of being different and lonely as people still did not understand her. Even at the places she went to acquire these stories, they would be very confused that a young female would want to read these things too. This also happened with one of the other things she found herself spending time wanting to do, where she would play a character who tried to save the world or fight the monsters, or just hide their magic or fae essence from the world!

A few more cycles passed and she found a man, who had suffered more grief than she had, he had watched his parents die in front of him. Which had changed him to become a hero. She had connected with this man in these stories. She connected with one of his villains as well so closely it was a bit weird. This villain, was really only a villain to help her save the world. She loved plants and the planet. Wanting to save it from the destruction that we, as humans, have caused to the world. This villain also wanted to save other women from abuse or mistreatment. From being put down for their being women or being different and to help them become the women they were meant to be. Something our heroine could absolutely relate to in the very core of her being.

 From there she needed to learn more about this world this man and plant woman lived in. She moved on to find an archer, who wore a green hood. A rich man who wanted to save people and be a hero. She found a strong woman, a Wonder Woman as it were. Who was not afraid to do what needed to be done to make things right. She laughed at a king, who was able to talk to fish and throw giant water bubbles, in the water. She felt kinship with the little boy who called out a word and turned into a superhero, like she wanted to so many years before.

She felt connected to these characters, to these heroes, to these stories which had helped her through her entire life to this point. They had been more like friends than pictures in a book. 

So when she was finally able to start being herself and started to have a crew and adventuring party as she grew into the adult heroine that is known now. People started to put these stories out into the world so that everyone could go and watch. She was proud, she was happy and she was so grateful that her childhood worlds were finally being shared with everyone in the real world in which she lived. 

And we come to now, where our heroine, sees everyone she knows talking about the next and final, for some, chapter of a group of these heroes which is coming in the near future. It makes her smile, it makes her cry a bit and it makes her so proud that this is a world where she finally belongs. Where she can proudly say, this is who I have been all along and here I stand and have others join her cheer as well!

Greetings From the Other Side of the Looking Glass

Hello Dear Readers, I know I have been so very absent this last while. I hope to rectify that very soon, as I have been feeling the call of writing again and need to answer this call. Inspiration she is a fickle mistress and I must heed to her whims.

For today's confession from this active gamer girl. I must take you back several cycles to something that was said to our heroine by someone who was a very important part of her adventuring party at the time. This person still remains important to her and her memories, though time and different paths have made these two have a gap in where we are in this adventure called life. Once a part of her crew, always a part of her crew in her heart.

So many cycles ago at this point, he said to our heroine, "what you are is good enough but you are too afraid to show it". Now, at this point, being only 22 or 23 cycles and knowing everything. She fought back, she told him he was wrong and that she would prove it. She started throwing herself at and into everything which she found a little bit of passion in and burning candles at both ends and once they were nearly meeting in the middle, she would simply move on to a new candle, continuously moving in circles and patterns never really touching down. She spent many cycles living this way. Keeping her amazing adventuring party close to her, always caring, but only letting a few actually in to see who she really was inside the very core of her being. 

A lot of this was because even then, she was fighting a battle, one which you all know she had waged a war against for a long time, Fear. She was hiding as she never wanted to be hurt by someone she cared for again. She was hiding because she cared too much about what other's say and think when she was not there. She had struggled with so many things, but she have mostly kept silent about them, locked away as she hadn't wanted to chase away any of those who she had chosen as her crew. She knew who she was, she knew that she had a place in this adventure called life, but she refused to accept that place and who that being. 

Switching gears on you here, dear readers. Confession time - 

I have fought with my own brain demons for many reasons and on many things for a long time, I am done. I am me, a gamer, a geek, a loving, caring, passionate healer, at times a fire mage, at times a bard, at times a druid in the woods. An animal and plant lover, there are reasons I feel I have a Poison Ivy side (thank you DC comics), someone who just cares too much about life. There are parts of my life you don't need to hear right now in such a forum as this, but if you want to know just ask, I am done hiding, I will be open, honest and as transparent as I can. But I am me, here I stand. 

I owe a lot of this to some of the most amazing people I could have ever had the privilege of having in my life and being in or adding to my crew. Finding out and remembering that I have so many amazing and wonderful beings in my life who are amazing examples, showing me it's okay to be who I really am. Who are so supportive, loving and fiercely compassionate about those who they call their own. I am so very thankful to have been able to have the strength to continue my path being fully myself.

Please don't follow my example, let yourself be you. Know that you are good enough, strong enough and loved enough to be yourself regardless of the things which your own brain demons are telling you. I am standing with you and we are strong together!

The Power Lies with the Broken they have the Potential to be so much More!

What you may ask has happened to our brave heroine in all this time, where has she been? She has been trapped. Trapped behind walls of fear with the monsters of Self Doubt guarding her cage. Trying desperately to escape. Afraid of what may happen next.

Continuously fighting battles with the monsters in front of her. These creatures of fear and pain battering her until she lies broken and bruised, tears streaming down her face. Their lies telling her she is not good enough, not intelligent enough, not attractive enough, telling her no one wants to hear her battle cry or have her join their party, leaving her wounds open and exposed. She feels each bite, each stab as they tear into her soul. Barely the strength to lift her head much less defeat these horrible monsters which have been her battle most of her life.

She has found her way back to her cell each night only to lay awake trying to go over each failure, each chink in her armor of self preservation and scars tissue on her soul. Wanting so badly to find some way out of their trap. She knows that she must break through in order to save herself. She must find the strength and her voice to get through these walls, and break out of her cage.

Our heroine starts to scream her battle cry, "I am enough!" She hears other voices join hers and knows she is not alone in this place. She hopes that her voice joining their's will help in each of their fights. Knowing they are not alone and that they are all together, sending her healing energies out to each of those lives who have been part of her crew, her raid and her framily. Shouting from her cage that she is with them as well.

Hello dear readers. It has been quite some time since we were last here, life has taken quite the turn and as I come to the point where I approach another cycle around the sun I am finally finding my voice again. I have flown from the Tower and found my way to a Healer's Guild of sorts, which has been wonderful. There has been five long and mostly wonderful cycles around the sun with my questing partner. There has been a lot of happiness and good things. However there has been a rough patch for me...There are many battles ahead, and much to fear in this world. But know that I too fight these fights and raise my voice and tell you all I am here standing with you. Ready and waiting to fight next to each and every one of you who are battling as I am...We are the broken, and we have the potential to change the world if we can raise our voices and be heard.

A Strong Place and Wonderful was the Wizard's Tower...But the Powers that be had slowly Shaped it to Their Shifting Purposes, Which Came from an Evil Place.

    For many years the Wizard's Tower has stood. It has given many the tools to continue on in life, it has helped many move forward past the hurdle of restarting their adventures, including our brave heroine. But as time has moved on it has been ever changing, being corrupted from the "family" of people it once protected, becoming less and less of a place of camaraderie and learning. It has been moving towards a soulless place. A place which removes the joy from it's people, almost alive. This monster has started to take it's toll on many who have stayed there long years.

    Enter our heroine, four long years ago. She had begun her battle, to come back from the bottom of the pit of despair. Her life a shambles, but slowly taking a turn for the better. She had returned to the land of her youth, after years of running away from the fights she needed to confront, to face those demons and work her way back to the life she once knew and loved. Returning to those she had chosen as her adventuring crew, if not her chosen family. She was finally starting to feel some hope, especially when she was chosen by the Wizard's Tower to join their ranks. Amidst the darkness that was surrounding this place, it was a beacon of light. A way out of the darkness and to start again. She accepted their invitation and started to learn.

    She learned to crack the codes and where to procure the items for each person's loss that came through her hands. She was good at it and happy that she had found something she could excel at. She found herself with enough gold to live a decent life, albeit, not a life of wealth, but for the first time she was not worried about feeding herself and her familiar Willowcat, paying for her past mistakes and starting to move forward in life. Things were going well, just after her acceptance to the Tower she even found herself starting a wonderful, while sometimes trying journey with her amazing questing partner. This adventure we call life was cresting a high peak and things were good.

    She was happy there for two years. Then she started to feel and see the changes. Subtle shifts in the atmosphere around her. Changes from the Powers that Be to make things slightly less pleasant. The changes were so slight, she figured the Tower had just grown and was adjusting to the increased levels of help they were providing to the people at large. So she continued on her way, happily doing her job and living her life. Fighting other monsters and bosses outside of her days of code cracking and finding the items people needed.

    She continued this way for about another year. It was at that point she found out she needed to see a Master Healer for some problems in her spine that had grown to a nearly unbearable level. It was at that point that she had been rejected for two separate positions of advancement, which again, she hadn't thought anything of as she knew she was good at her current place. The person who had fought so hard for all of the resources of the humans in the Tower decided to leave. As, apparently there were problems with other Powers that Be. The corruption had already started to take over those in power. It was a huge blow, and as the weeks prior to our Heroine's healing leave progressed things got worse.

    When she came back from her time of healing, things had changed even more. Her pay had decreased, both because of changes in the world at large and because she was not as fast as she had been due to her injury, though it was better than before she went to the Master healer by leaps and bounds. Her time away had given her rest and the ability to realize just how much had changed in the years she had been there.

    After that point her awareness of just how corrupt things were became quite clear. But she still had hope that some of the goodness of the Tower would prevail and things would in turn get better. She continued in this until shortly after the new year, despite yet another decrease in her gold intake. It was at that point when the corruption and greed revealed itself. There was a change in the entire structure of how this job she had been doing for so long was done. Which brought all of the people who had been protected by the Tower to a crawl. All the people they had helped were not seeing that help for weeks rather than days, the gold intake of nearly everyone was cut in half and things started to look very grim indeed.

    This is where we find our heroine now. She often spends her days in tears due to feeling as if she was no longer good at the job she had always excelled at. The monster Anxiety she has nearly always fought and won against, has started to take hold, which caused more problems. She feels at a loss and is trying to get herself out of the place where she once felt so happy. She is so very grateful for those wonderful adventuring crew and chosen family for all of the support they have given in the recent crushing blows. She is also so very happy to still have her questing partner with her through all of this as she attempts to push her way through the mire that the Tower has now put her in. For now she waits for the next good turn of this adventure called life, hoping she can just hang on until that happens.

The SOMEWHAT Faithful Steed Who Couldn't

     A special thanks goes out to my amazing sister for helping inspire this post, as the idea sprang from something she said to me. Love you! You are in fact the bestest sister ever!!  Also a special thanks goes out to my amazing questing partner as he was so very supportive this past week.

     Late in the eve of the new year our heroine decided to venture out. It was dark and slightly wet. Her Ember Steed, who had caused her much grievance in the two years and six cycles that our lady had owned her having to see it's healer many times over the course of that time, seemed to be in good health and was rearing to go. The gentle rain was not a deterrent as she pushed forward on her way to celebrate the coming change of time with some she held dear. She was excited and had dressed for the celebration accordingly. In a shimmery gown and hair done to match. Her eyes sparkled as she made her way onward to the new and away from the old.

    As she progressed on her journey the weather turned for the worse. The rain became snow and caused our heroine to slow her pace as it was progressively harder to see. She managed to keep control of her mount, but stayed at a slow pace to make sure of the footing. Though her ability to see continued to diminish, she continued on.

    As she continued through the hills and bends of her path she felt herself slipping, but this time she managed to maintain control of the reins. Ember bucked and fought to get her head and take control away, but our lady was far to smart to let that happen. Two more times Ember fought against the reins and tried to get away. Our heroine continued to manage to keep the steed under control, still following the slow and steady path of the turtle.

    Up and down the hills and around the bends she continued. Slowly and careful all the way. Then she came upon that fateful hill, she could feel Ember wanting to fight her once again. She proceeded to the top feeling a bit of pride at the accomplishment thus far when suddenly, as if Ember could feel the relief she made her move, she bucked and our lady lost control of her steed. Back and forth across the path completely swerving out of control. As our heroine was dragged along she realized in horror that her very life might indeed be in danger. She tried desperately to follow and regain control of the reins when suddenly there was a loud bang. Ember had crashed into a barrier in the side of the path, and had stopped dead.

     Shaken and scared, our heroine went to investigate what had happened to her poor steed. When she came to the other side of Ember, her eyes grew wide and she let out a gasp. Ember seemed to have broken a leg, perhaps more. Our lady is not an expert on such things, so she was unsure of the extent of the damage to her poor mount. She moved back to her place and tried to see if Ember could in fact continue on, but sadly it was all for naught.

    Our heroine soon sent a message to her questing partner so that he was aware of what had happened and then she proceed to message those who she was to celebrate with that eve. She finally called a transport to make sure that Ember was able to get closer to home, to her healer even, which was very close to her abode, she gathered her belongings and said a very sad goodnight to her poor Ember.

    The process for finding out what exactly was wrong with her poor steed seemed to take forever, though in truth it was only two days. When they finally told our heroine the news of her steed she was crushed. Her poor Ember was to be put out to pasture, the first steed she had been able to acquire on her own. She had worried this was going to be what transpired, but she was unsure. As the next few days went forward, our heroine retrieved her tack and tried to brace herself for this steed's departure. It was not easy on our heroine in any way. She shed many tears, but tried to keep it to herself.

    The day came and now her poor Ember had been taken away, never to be seen again. She still felt sadness though she knew that there was hope, that she would again find a steed who was worthy and would carry her through her coming journeys far better than Ember ever had.

"After her harrowing journey, our fair heroine found her mount unable to continue on. But she did not give up for she was as brave as she was beautiful! She began her quest in search of a new mount. A better mount! When she found it, she knew! This was what she had been searching for! This, at last, was her new beginning!" - My wonderful, beautiful, talented and amazing sister.

 

This is the Story Lady and her Monsters...

    Today I am going to tell you all about the story of a little Mystic Theurge, who loved people. So much that she had a hard time when she was left on her own. She had people she loved more than life and knew they also cared for her in return. It had take a long time and she had many adventures along the way to find her way to these people, but she had found her family, her adventuring party and her questing partner. She knew that she had so many things that she could be absolutely thankful for. She had a domicile with her wonderful questing partner. She had a job at the Wizards Tower, while tedious and a bit stressful at times, still gave her the gold necessary to cover the needs she had.

    Even with knowing she had all of this, she knew it to the deepest part of her being, however, there was a problem, a monster inside which constantly ached to get out. Constantly caused her to falter and often question the very life she was living. This monster's name was Anxiety. He and his sister Fear, were always attempting to poison everything she knew and believed. She often would spend time with those she loved and feel unwelcome, unwanted and unloved. Not because she actually was experiencing these things, but because the monsters inside were whispering in her ear. Telling her she wasn't good enough, telling her she didn't really belong, that people didn't truly like her, She was too weird, too funny looking, too friendly, not nice enough, not smart enough, over and over to the point where there were times she rolled too low on her Will save and ended up sitting by herself unhappy as she believed these monsters in her head.

    There were days when the battle was to leave her bed and actually do her daily tasks. Including just walking down the stairs to start work for the day. There were days when she would just sit and cry, knowing she needed people in order to pull herself out, but she had given into Fear and couldn't or wouldn't reach out to others, whether thinking they wouldn't want to hear it or deal with her. Or just plain not wanting to burden anyone else with her battles.

    Asking for help was never and option. If one of her adventuring party or her questing partner happened to be there at one of those moments and offered to help, she tried to accept, but even that was a challenge. She had always been able to fight her own battles and get through what she thought were some of the hardest moments of her life. Horrible questions were planted in her head by the monsters, "Why was this such a problem now?! Why can't I just get through it on my own?! When did I become the person who desperately needs help but can't ask due to fear?"

    It took a long time for her to finally start admitting to some people that there might be a battle she couldn't win. She might need help to make it through. Asking those she loved to understand when she had to stay home or when she wasn't her happy self. Asking them to be patient when her head started to play tricks on her. Knowing that this battle is going to be a long one. She is still trying to make her way through. Trying to defeat the monsters on a daily basis and make her way back to feeling more like herself again. Some days are harder than others and the stress of the other battles which life has pushed in front of her lately hasn't made it any easier. But she is working her way out. All she asks is that others know, and if they have the ability just let her know that she isn't alone. Because she's done trying to do this on her own and finally trying to ask for help.

Carry on My Wayward Everyone...Peace Maybe When We're Done?

    As many of you my dear readers know, I have been having some trouble keeping myself actually posting and staying current on this anecdotal pathway of events. Some of you do know what I have been dealing with, however for the rest, here is the road thus far!

    For the last 3 plus years I have been battling one of the biggest battles someone like me could have battled. When you are a healer in life, you spend all of your time helping others, putting others first and attempting to ignore any pain or hardship that presents itself to you, so that you can continue to help others. This battle wasn't against a boss, per-say, it was a fight to continuously function as I had. There was a curse eating at me, taking away my ability to do all the things I love one by one, it's name was Chronic Pain. That curse grew and festered until I could push it aside no longer. I could barely move my head, my hand was continuously tingly or numb, it had been effecting my work at the Tower, it was effecting spending time with my crew and it was effecting my life with my questing partner, something had to be done. I finally had to contact my primary healer and see what could be done.

    Now, thinking that maybe it was just a pulled muscle or damaged nerve, she sent me to have physical therapy. There was no imaging done, no attempt to truly find out what the problem was and sending me on my way. After nearly 3 months of this therapy with no real improvement I had to contact my primary healer again. After fighting with them for several weeks to no avail. I was finally contacted and treated as though I was once again making things larger than they were, however, they did ask questions and finally sent me to a new healer, a surgeon to see if he could help.

    When I met with this surgeon, he sent me for imaging of the bone structure within 5 ticks of walking in the door. After nothing obvious came up on those, he did some actual movement testing on my arm and shoulder, as well as my neck. He was furious that my primary healer had not sent me for imaging previously and believed the therapy had perhaps caused things to get worse. I finally felt as though I had a champion who would help me and perhaps take away the curse I had been dealing with for so long.

     He sent me to have magnetic imaging done, which was a whole new and weird experience for me. I had to lie in a giant tube as magnets spun around me, magically taking images of my spinal column. It was not a long process and I was contacted just a few short days later to go back and see this surgeon who truly wanted to help.

    My champion surgeon, was very concerned when I met with him the second time. For I had masses in my spine as well as a protruding disc in my neck. So he sent me to another surgeon to look, as the spinal masses he was not equipped to handle. I was so relieved that I finally was getting someone to help as it had been years of pain and dealing with this in my life.

    After meeting with the second surgeon, I was very pleased as well, he genuinely wanted to help as well. After seeing my images, he informed me the masses in my spine were not a problem. However, the disc in my neck was in fact going to continue to cause me pain. So it was decided that I have it replaced, a surgical procedure which should help with everything.

    So, after what seemed like an eternity, though it was only a few weeks later. I went under the knife. They made me unconscious and took out my disc made of cartilage and replaced it with a bionic piece, fusing it to my spinal column. When they went in to replace it, they found that 2 of my vertebrae had also collapsed. So it was a bit more of a process than expected. However, I had no idea until I awoke in the recovery room.  As I came to, I realized that I could in fact feel my left hand and it wasn't tingling any longer. I announced this, as I was very altered by the potions they had given me, just as my surgeon walked in. He got a very large smile on his face and told me this was a very good sign.

    It has been nearly 3 months since the surgery, it will be officially 3 months in 5 days, and I have been progressing in the healing direction. I have had days of pain still, but they are less and less as the days go by. I know I had a lot of damage to my nerve endings and to my muscles around my spine up near my neck and I know they will take time to heal fully. However, the fact that I am finally starting to feel like myself again and to have full days without pain. I am able to go for walks again, I have been progressively more and more social with my crew and it has helped to remedy things a great deal with my questing partner.

     Do I still have a decent way to go, probably. But I have been progressing in an upward direction. Albeit, I now have a tiny bit less essence than I did before this all began, but I will take the small loss and the little bit of bionics if it means and end to this curse. My wonderful sister and friend has informed me that I did in fact gain a super power from all of this, I have an insanely large pain tolerance at this point, beyond that of what I should in fact have had in my life.

     My lesson to all of you in this, chronic pain is no joke. It is a curse, it is something that can be even more debilitating than the worst plague. It can cause changes in personalities, lifestyles and even dispositions. Please be very kind and patient to those who live with this curse, for until you have lived that life, you cannot begin to understand what someone is going through. Be accepting and just show them that you are there for them. If I hadn't had the support and love that I had throughout this process I honestly don't know where I would be.

The More You Know.....

    It's been a while dear adventuring friends. I have been very busy with many large quests and battles in my life these last month's. I will attempt to regale you with these things soon. But first there is something very dear to my heart that I must share with you first.

    A friend of mine actually shared this article on the Book of Face and it struck me as something that needed to be shared. Not just as something on my own wall, but shared with everyone who I can. This is absolutely something as adventuring ladies we deal with.

    Feeling safe and accepted as a person is a reward for a huge ugly boss in our fight called life. All people deal with it to some degree. However, those of us who are women are still often battling the mindset that we are the "fairer sex." People are not aware that our boss fights in this aspect are often much larger and much harder to beat.

    As a female gamer, I still occasionally hear things from my male counterparts along the lines of, "girls don't play video games," or, "you can't be a gamer, you're female." Those statements cause wounds, they are attacks, while we have all brushed them off as amusing in the past. We are stuck in the back casting heal spells on ourselves for a bit after.

    It often causes us to fight back, to push forward and make sure we are better at each battle than anyone else, so we aren't disregarded as, "just someone trying to play because their S/O wants them to." Or, "she's just trying to impress and date guys." We often just get disregarded entirety as people who actually enjoy questing, fighting and having fun with these things.

    So I am asking, please educate yourself that this does happen. Please think about the comments that are actual attacks that we have brushed aside every day. I know life isn't easy for anyone and it's hard to join a questing party with anyone. But if we are more mindful of those around us and how much hit point damage our words and actions can cause it makes the world a better place.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-reality-that-all-women-experience-that-men-dont-know-about-kelly-jrmk/

You Have No Power Over Me...Well...Mostly...

    Battle time! In a room full of people who I consider to be part of my crew and people who I have won the battle versus the boss Low self esteem, suddenly I feel very alone and out of place. I am standing on the edge of a battle field filled with the elite monsters, Stress, Unhappiness and Loneliness. I start to fight them. Knowing full well I am going to need some help in this battle as I have fought them many times before. The problem I have is knowing how to call my crew and raiding party to arms as I don't want to cause pain or worry to those I care about.

    I whip out my spell of "Mischief Maker." Where I share my silliness and attempt to find that place of fun once more as well as give me a buff against the downness that I know will be coming with their attacks. As I cast this I am hit with a large Sadness attack, which lowers my defenses against them. Granted I have the buff but the damage of the attack is greater than my defense against it. Then I am hit by a wave of "Lack of Belonging," which is the second level of the Sadness. I am starting to falter, not knowing what to use against these monsters. I start to use my skill of, "Attempt to Talk About Things." But it seems it's a little too late. After several attacks from these monsters I feel defeated and use my last ditch effort of "Hide." It does seem to work slightly as they miss a couple of attacks that I have a feeling would have hurt a lot.

    Suddenly I see a light in the darkness. A few of my crew have passed their perception and are noticing the fight, they cast buffs and some healing on me using hugs and verbal components. Then they join the fight and help me win the battle!  The monsters go running for the hills! I start to relax and feel the effects of having my amazing crew. The victory fanfare plays and we all celebrate. I know the war is far from over, however we have won the day!

    After all of this I am still suffering the after effects of the battle and I know those monsters will return to try to hurt me another day as they have been my nemesis for many long years now. For now I rest, try to let my wounds heal and let the effects of their spells wear off. They seem to be  much higher than rounds per level. It may in fact be several days until I am fully functioning at my full strength again. Still, I am so grateful to my crew and raiding party that they were there for me when such ugly monsters reared their heads!

*Insert Bloodlust Noise Here* Lioness Mode Enabled

    One of the most interesting things in life is that it is constantly throwing situations at each of us where we have to respec our talent trees or in turn re-roll as a new class of person. Each of us on our individual life path's are constantly changing, adapting and learning. It's absolutely intriguing to look at the ways each person I know has or has not changed. But in turn, we all have changed a great deal.

    When we are younger everything is new, shiny and we know everything. Especially when you find yourself surrounded by people to raid with or run dungeons with for the first time in your life. You get excited and happy. You learn to adapt to other's, you learn to beat new bosses and to work with other people in that goal. Ultimately there will be people who help you in that change, whether it's because they hurt you or because they help you find your roll in the raiding party. Some people help you realize which talents you want to take on your talent tree or cause you to be more of a defensive player than an offensive player. Any way you look at it. People change. It's just something that happens.

    Recently I have been finding that some people who perhaps knew me when I was just a little NEWB in this game called life seem to believe that I haven't come as far as I have. That I haven't beaten as many bosses as I have and haven't learned so many more talents on my talent tree and I have to say it has hurt and caused me to be very upset and angry. I realize they may be people who haven't seen the changes and don't know everything about where I've been over the last several years of my life path. They haven't seen the fact I've had to re-roll a few times and re-spec my entire life several times over. Honestly I don't believe that these people are worth it if they aren't going to believe that they are not the only ones who have experienced change and growth due to their own selfishness and self conscious issues, whether they're aware of it or not.

    I have come a long way from where I was I was just a NEWB. I have kept a decent job here at the Tower, I have people who aren't going to continuously put me down and cause me to be in a constant state of self doubt. I have a fantastic support structure and wonderful people in my life, including my amazing questing partner who rocks my world and does his very best to be supportive and helps me through things when they're upset. I am NOT the scared, overly excited, awkward little magic user I was back then. Am I don't with my changes and my growth? Definitely not! But have I come a long way? Yes! So I suppose the only way to end this is I am me, hear me roar!

Did Anyone See the Number on that Carriage?

    Again my life path has caused too much business to post on the proper days, times and once again my anecdotes are not the happiest. I apologize for that once again dear readers. But honestly, I feel as though I have been constantly on a loop in a dungeon crawl as of late. This too will pass, I will once again fight my way through the dungeon and passed the bosses. Just have to make sure I don't fall over too many times on my way.

    After all the other crazy things I have been battling lately. The battle against the loss of my familiar, the triumph of joining my questing partner in our domicile and home, all of the weird health things that have popped up this last year. I had a horrible thing happen with my little Ember carriage while I was away from her working in the Tower. She was hit by someone else who was attempting to leave their carriage there as well. She has some serious damage to both of her passenger side entryways. It is quite a bit of damage and I am a bit nervous that when they do the assessment this week, I am going Thursday to start that whole process, that they will tell me that my chariot has too much damage and they will total it. As she is really not worth that much gold to start with at this point.

    It has been a lot of drastic change in my daily questing and my life path the last several weeks. Some of it is definitely wearing me down. Some of it is allowing me to get through my dailies much easier and in a much more triumphant manner. So hopefully with time I will find myself in line with many more of the triumphs and less of the wanting to mulligan on the days.

    One of the great things is I have yet another one of my crew who has started here at the Tower with me as of today! I am excited to welcome him here and hope he enjoys the job and makes some good amount of gold as well!  It does indeed make me happy that I can help my crew find decent employment, even if it is just for a little while, here at the Tower with me. I have enjoyed and been able to stick with my tasks here for a while now, and I honestly think it's one of the best places I have been employed. So welcome to the Wizards Tower!

[Where the Heart Is]: Missing One Tigress...

   I know I promised to post after the relocation. It has been a very long few weeks since that move. A lot of it good, but there has definitely been a very large sad thing that has happened. I have been working on unpacking and creating a home in the domicile with my questing partner. We are not quite done yet, however, it is on it's way.

    While I was going through some of my scrolls and texts I definitely found I had moved a creature with me. Suddenly as I was moving a nest for a little critter, which I believed to be empty, I had a bit of a scare. A mouse ran by my hand and brushed against me. Normally I don't make high pitched squeaking noises, but being startled definitely changed that. I am not frightened of little critters like that, it just surprised me and I didn't have any of my spells ready to combat it. So I have now put out some things to attempt to capture it and hope that this will work eventually. Now the other member of the domicile came running as he was concerned there was something actually wrong. I told him what had happened and now we all laugh about it a bit. Though we still haven't caught the little critter. I'm thinking that is only a matter of time.

    The good, there has been a lot of craziness, with members of my crew. We have had many days filled with seeing people, helping people with things and attempting to work our way forward in this new chapter of life. I have been feeling like my life path is finally heading in the future direction. I have stabilized, mostly, kept my position at the Tower for 2 cycles as well as next week my questing partner and I will also be celebrating our 2 years together! I am looking forward to it!

   The bad, things at the tower have continued to be stressful, between the craziness of the rules changes every other day and the fact I have had a few of the codes I have deciphered returned to be redone. It is a frustrating day when I come in to communications from the higher ups, telling me to redo these things in a very rude manner. But this too shall pass, I won't pull out any of my fireballs just yet. Perhaps soon, but for now they stay in place.
 
    The horrible, my familiar, and furbaby for many years now has crossed the rainbow bridge as of yesterday morning. Her health has been getting worse the last couple of weeks and I was finally able to get her into her healer the other day. She apparently had some very severe liver failure and had been suffering for a while. The healer informed me she was really far along in her travels to whatever is next for her. I had to make the hard and heartbreaking decision to let her go before it got worse and to let her leave with memories of me being there, holding her and feeling all of the love I have and have had for her over the years. The one thing that actually made me feel the tiniest bit better about it all was as she was being injected she wrapped her head around my hand in a hug and gave me the look of this is okay and what I need mommy. I know it was for the best and the kindest thing I could do for her, but I will always miss her. I truly feel like a piece of me is now missing. I know she will be with me in my heart and am very much trying to remember the good memories that I have of her in my life.

    The first day I met her, was probably shortly after her ear had been clipped as a feral cat. She had done the living outdoors thing, and had enough, she wanted a home, a family and a person. She was the color of pussy willows, hence her name, Willow, and I was her person just about from day one. She was so loving, loveable, always knew when to snuggle / attempt to cheer someone up and to just accept the love of someone who needed a wonderful little lady to care about. I had her through so many big events in my life, it's hard to think of her not being there for the future ones.

                                                 RIP my little lady! My Willow cat
                                                                    My Familiar

Moving Mountains? Well Maybe Just My Gear...

    Well my questing partner and I officially got the news today that I am all good to level and gain the achievement [Where the Heart is] as of June 1st! I am a large mix of emotions right now. But excitement and happiness are mostly winning out right now. There is so much to get done in the next couple of weeks before I get myself a big carriage and bring my worldly belongings to the domicile I will be sharing with my questing partner and one other person. It has been a somewhat long road to get here, but I am happy that time is finally here.

    As many of you know I have had some really bad situations in my past for people I had chosen to spend my time with. After two years of being super happy sharing my life quest with this man I am excited to move forward in the next step of our lives together. Am I a little nervous? Sure, but I have every confidence that it will be amazing and happy. It helps that he has been by my side through a lot of the awful that has happened over the past two years! If he has dealt with me this long and hasn't run away yet, I think I'm good.

    The only thing that is making me a tiny bit sad is that my poor little familiar, Willow Cat, cannot make the move with me. Our Land owner has let me know that we can't have her there. Despite her being a very good girl. Due to her downhill health and such the last year, she is 14 now, it may be better for her to stay in a place she knows and likes rather than exposing her to someplace completely new and scary for her only to have something happen to her. But at least she is going to be in a place where I can still see her often and I will know she is safe and relatively happy. 

    The rules changes at the Tower have definitely been causing some issues lately, despite my following the letter of the rules (as if I had switched my alignment to Lawful something rather than my standard Neutral Good) I have gotten a few of my puzzles returned to me as a mulligan. So I have been spending some time frustrated re-doing some of my files. It has definitely not helped with some of the fire which I feel so closely attuned to. My desire to throw fire balls or fire breath lately has definitely been coming to a front. I'm not completely sure where it's coming from, but I really am working on calming it down. I believe that attempting some sort of actual physical activity every day will help immensely with letting it release without burning something down. Plus, allowing myself some decompressing time when I get home from the frustration that has been the Tower should help as well. I have gotten a coloring book and plan on bringing some plants in porch boxes to my new home so that I can just relax a little bit right after. Hopefully this too shall pass, again.

    So now dear readers, I will leave you in peace for a bit. I may in fact not have any time until after the move for me to post another anecdotal life download. I hope that until that time you all find your dailies easy and find a way to let your life quest line be filled with happiness and some fun! Rather than just mini boss after mini boss!

Small but Strong!

    First off I would like to congratulate and excitedly welcome a couple of the members of my Crew to the code breaking and item finding at The Wizards Tower! I am excited you both have joined me in my dailies! It makes my day so much better and lunches SO much fun! <3

    The next thing I am really going to be toting about today is the fact that it is finally warm out! I have had a lot more time outside this past week, which makes this little Oracle a happy girl as sunshine and outside are the things that bring me the most peace! I bow my head to the Winter Queen, but I thank her for finally allowing her sister to take over the reigns and let us have the warmth.

    Speaking of the Tower, they recently changed how we do our item tracking system. The way the Powers have changed things is going to be a causing a huge increase in my gold intake! Which is making me happy and excited! It means I will be feeling much happier about the work I am doing yet again! It has been a bit of a transition, however I already saw the increase in items per hour there! I look forward to seeing the benefits of this increase coming next Friday!

    In the higher gold intake area, I am leading into getting the last bits of XP for yet another achievement! In just a few short weeks I will gain the achievement, [Where the Heart Is]! I will be moving myself, my Familiar Willow cat and my worldly possessions to join my questing partner in his domicile to stay! No more back and forth between two places and being able to have my familiar with me as well as my questing partner all the time! The levels of excitement are absolutely hard to contain. It will make all of the work we have to do in the next few weeks absolutely worth it!

    Sadly this week is a short week as far as my anecdotal life goes, while filled with lots of information and many things! But know this my dear readers, I am thinking of many new things to tell you all and explain to you coming soon! So keep your eyes peeled for our next installment!

Chaotic Mischief...Wait a Minute...What?!

    I swear I should have posted last week. I had finally beaten my boss battle with one of the plagues. I am now dealing with a mini boss plague this week so far. Though I think I'll be okay in my fight of it seeing my normal fighting techniques are working on it so far! So hopefully before I traverse to the land of Boston tomorrow for a fun day with my questing partner and watching the men who wear Red Sox play a game for our enjoyment I will be feeling better!

    This past couple of weeks have been filled with a lot of crazy. There has been lots of attempting to make up some of my gold at the tower, taking gold / tickets at the door for The One, which I have started to refer to my very part time second employment. But it does give me that little bit of dealing with the public I sometimes miss from working in The Tower for almost 2 years now. There has been dancing and time with my crew / raiding group. And lots of nerding.

    We also had some very important people come in to the Tower on Friday as it seems as though we may in fact be growing yet again. We will have to see how this works out. Perhaps it will finally be time for the upward movement of my position here, but we shall see.

    This past weekend I also got to celebrate the wheel of time going around one more time for a very close crew member! We had a fun night of mischief, Rock Band and general fun times. I will always repeat myself and reiterate how much I love my crew / raiding group / family! I am excited as it seems as though I have quite a few of those nights in store over the rest of the month. :)

    As I said, tomorrow, my questing partner and I head out on an adventure to spend the day in the big City of Boston. I am excited as I was able to take the whole day off from the Tower and we can make the day of it. It will be a nice relaxing and fun day. Which will also be good due to the weather finally acting like the Summer Queen has taken over and the Winter Queen has finally relented. I cannot wait to spend the day out in the warm weather with my questing partner! Even if it is in the city instead of out in the woods, which I HAVE to do soon because I am being called to go wander in the woods currently.

    Now I will let you all get back to enjoying the beautiful day, even if you're at work, go out on your lunch break because it's warm, wonderful and it's about time to let the Summer Queen you are listening!

Eradication of the Plague is Key!

    Sorry folks, due to my wonderful inability to win the apparently boss fight against Bronchitis, who over the course of the last few years has seemed to become my arch nemesis in my fight against sickness, I was not able to post last week. It also means I haven't had too many exciting adventures to share with you. Other than the fact that the healers have now piled on a regiment of weapons against said boss fight. I promise I will update with more of my anecdotal battles of daily life for a female gamer soon. You'd think that with all of the hours my questing partner and I have spent killing virus' and plagues in Pandemic, I may have more weapons at my disposal for these things. Sadly, that is not the case.

    The one good thing that has happened from fighting the plague as of late is that I have managed to entertain myself with many hours of games on my device of computing at home. My questing partner and I have played many hours of Civ 5 this past week. I now understand what he has said about this game being one of those, "just one more turn and suddenly it's 4 AM," games. So that has been good and restful.

    But for now I will not bore you all with my battle against Bronchitis and it's evil minions Cough and Phlegm. I wish you safe journeys, amazing quest rewards and good path progression until I return! Also sending out a lot of love and good thoughts to a couple of people in my adventuring party and crew who are going through particularly tough times right now. Know that my thoughts, love and hugs are with you in this time in your life. <3