Home is where our story begins…

Hello dear readers! I feel as though there are so many new adventures that I should update everyone on. This cycle has definitely been fueled by the winds of change. I feel that this next cycle of 2020 will be continuing that trend of change.

Honestly, where I am and where I feel the winds bringing me is happier, healthier, more confident and truly being myself and comfortable in this roll life has given me. My path is a bit different from where I was before. 

Recently I have not been facing too many battles with things, as the monsters of fear and anxiety seemed to have quieted as of late. Not gone completely mind you, just much less huge battles that leave me gasping and broken all the time. 

I have been wandering the realm of thought. Particularly on the subject of a home and what that actually means to this little adventurer.

Previously in my life path I have found people and fellow questing / raiding people who felt like home. People I felt safe and comfortable with. I have been fortunate to find these things and these people. They have helped me through more battles and given me more downtime than I can in fact share with you all. But I have never had a place or an area that just felt that way. A place that I knew I could belong and just be me. It's been a rather uncomfortable walk on this path at times, but usually I could find my comfort and peace when I surrounded myself with those who became family rather than just my raiding party.

Recently however, I have in fact found myself spending time, yes with more people who feel like home, but also in an area that I just feel myself. A place I feel comfortable and relaxed. A place I feel I need to relocate myself to as it just feels like home. I have never experienced such a thing in my life and it is truly satisfying and freeing. To know I can be in this particular neck of the woods and know I was home.

I have felt this hiraeth - a homesickness to a home you have never had or you cannot return, for most of my life. So you can imagine the surprise when that was finally quelled in this particular place and area. It has been a thing I have longed for, most of my life and now that I have found it, it is time to keep it and build on it, to let it grow, let myself continue to heal and reach towards the next thing. The next adventure in life. The new path that I am going to be following. 

Does it mean I am completely abandoning my former family and those who have stood with me against the biggest of my boss battles and running headlong to this place and these people? No! This place is definitely not so far as to have that happen. I will still be able to make my way to see those who mean so much to me and have become such huge parts of my being and my path, but I feel I will be more at peace and happier in my traversing to see them. With this new path I am very much looking forward to what life will bring. I meet the new day gladly.

Remember Remember the 11th of September

Hello dear readers, I am posting today as myself rather than the normal anecdotal style I prefer. Mainly for one reason. Please bear with me as I will return us to our regularly scheduled storyline next time I post.

Today always marks a weird day for me. I was woken up out of a pretty dead sleep by what I can only describe as a "disturbance in the force," to a message on AIM to turn on my TV. I was one of those people transfixed to the television when everything was happening in NYC. It was horrifying and terrible to watch. Everyone frightened of what was going to happen next.

That evening I went with a group of my friends to the most numb and quiet goth night I have ever been to in my life. Everyone just standing somewhere in the rooms with their drinks, holding each other and just unsure of what came next for everything.

It was a strange day, it was a sobering day. A day that makes me look back and know that I am so lucky to have the life I have, the people I have, the ability to find magic in the mundane and the knowledge that everything could change in an instant.

In college I did a paper about how most of our society remembers exactly what they were doing, exactly what happened, etc on those days of bad things happening. Ask your grandparents or great grandparents, they will tell you exactly what they were doing when JFK was shot. Ask people who were around and functioning in 1986 when the Challenger blew up. Most of the time they will remember the big bads and not the good things.

So I challenge you all, to start remembering the good! To start seeing all the things in life that show you this magic in the mundane. To appreciate those you have and what you have. Because that is truly the best life for each and every one of us!

Heroes Are Eternal at Least to Us

Hello again dear readers. Your resident Gamer Girl here coming to you live from this corner of the world. Something that has been weighing on my mind as of late as the cycles have gone by is that I have reached a place and an age where those who I held in the highest esteem, those who are the cause of some of my own adventure paths are starting to cross over to their next adventures.

These beings and people have inspired, have shown strength, and have been warriors for things which so many of us believe in. Over the last few cycles I know I have personally been saddened by the loss of a few. Whether they are musicians on the level of Sirens, muses or very powerful Bards. Or they are idols in their chosen life paths and we see them as examples of how we want to live our lives. Sometimes it is the warriors who have been fighting their fight for so long and they were finally defeated or have gone to rest ahead and wait for us on the other side.

As of recently even my own personal heroes have started to cross over. As it would be dishonorable of me to hide the truth, it has been causing a whole lot of sadness in my own life path. This battle is one that I fear we all just need to ride through to the other side of things. Grief is a fight that often leaves us scarred for life. It does get easier to live with the pain, just as physical scars fade, but losing these people of such high esteem definitely causes us to face some things that many people fear.

Know, dear readers, that many are suffering this same type of wound. You are not alone in your fight! Some days you will fall and the tears will come. Some days you will remain strong and show Grief and Loss that they do not have a complete hold on you. Some days you will need those you consider your tribe, crew or questing party, don't be afraid to reach out to those around you if you need help in the battle. We all need a little help from time to time.

Never forget those who have gone on before us. Letting them live on in your memories and hearts keeps them alive and allows them to be Eternal in our minds. It keeps them near and above all can help us control the monsters that are Grief, Pain and Loss. Life is not always fair, but we can absolutely show the monsters in our lives that we are not pawns for them to play with. Be strong dear readers until next time!

Blessed are the Geeks...

When last I wrote dear readers, I spoke of the difficulties of being a female in the comic world and the pride that all of the heroes of the former outcasts finding their way to the light. Today, I need to talk about something else, something that hits just as hard and close. So many people don't realize and today it seems to be making a comeback. This beast seems to be rearing it's ugly head once again. Today, I won't even start with our heroine today as this is completely a confession and something many I know have dealt with.

As a female gamer, geek and freak it has always been a bit of a rough road. I have had to claw and prove myself the whole way through. People informing me I can't be a gamer, because I'm a girl. Asking me, oh, are you playing because your boyfriend does? Or the other side of the coin, "Oh look it's a girl, I need to hit on her!" Making me feel harassed and like a piece of meat. Many of the people who in the past I thought were interested in me, for me, turned out to be interested only to be with a gamer girl, and when they got to know the real me, my intensity as a person or my eclectic interests caused things to end, quite abruptly or people would try to change me.

You would think that a group filled with what in the past has been seen as societies outcasts would be happy to accept new people, regardless of gender, race, orientation or religion into their midst with open arms. I am here to tell you, that many of us have spent way more of our lives "proving themselves worthy" than we should have.

Yes, there has been a rise in the geek and gaming community in the recent years. However, these issues still persist. I know, we are all human and in that fallible. But seeing this happening still, makes me both sad and angry. It makes me want to speak out and do something about it. It makes me wish that this community which I have grown to be so comfortable in and such a part of my life would be able to evolve above this as it wasn't too long ago that people were ridiculed and rejected for being gamers, geeks or nerds and still are in many places and ways.

I know, that at this point in my life I am lucky enough to have found some exceptions to this way of thinking. I do have some amazing gamers and GMs in my life who are open minded and treat people with respect. But my point is, I shouldn't have had to. I feel like especially with everything that is going on in the world right now that we should be banding together, not continuing to have prejudices against others in our community.

I am also saying that we should stand up to those who would discriminate against people for these reasons as it is not okay. I'm not saying that if you get a weird vibe from someone or if you don't get along with someone you need to include them and make them a part of your life. Just don't discriminate for their gender, race, religion or anything that makes them different from you. As this is why we some of the horrible things going on in our world these days and I for one want to truly do something about it!

So stay tuned for next time dear readers, where our brave heroine may in fact be back to regale you with more stories that you may in fact relate to in your life.

This is the Story of a Girl...Who Read Comics to Escape her Whole World

Hello Again Dear Readers! I know, two posts in the course of a couple of months, it's unheard of these days! But part of my desire for the next year is to in fact write here more often and to write more in general. So as is the standard of this blog let me tell you a story about a young girl and her fantasy world.

Growing up our heroine from previous stories, was alone a lot. She was different from a lot of the other young adventurers that she knew. When they would run, she would dance. When they would do some sort of competitive activity she would read, when the other young adventurers would head to their classes to learn, she was kept at home to learn from her mother. To escape some of the hurt she felt from being alone, among other things, she would find herself lost in imaginary worlds and books for much of her free time.

One of these such worlds was a world where the pages of said books were filled with stories about an older student with red hair trying to decide which of two beautiful maidens he would decide to have as his primary questing partner. Stories of a ghost who seemed friendly and always tried to help people. Stories of a very rich duck, of all things, and his antics with all his gold. They captivated the young heroine and drew her in, in a way which she never expected. 

Move forward a few cycles, the young heroine was tired of the old stories and looking for new ones. She happened upon stories of a brilliant psychic man and his school for people who were gifted with powers beyond her imagination. Still spending much of her time alone she poured over these stories, eating them up and trying to read more and more of them. Letting herself get lost in this world filled with the Men of X. She still read to escape from the hardship of being different and lonely as people still did not understand her. Even at the places she went to acquire these stories, they would be very confused that a young female would want to read these things too. This also happened with one of the other things she found herself spending time wanting to do, where she would play a character who tried to save the world or fight the monsters, or just hide their magic or fae essence from the world!

A few more cycles passed and she found a man, who had suffered more grief than she had, he had watched his parents die in front of him. Which had changed him to become a hero. She had connected with this man in these stories. She connected with one of his villains as well so closely it was a bit weird. This villain, was really only a villain to help her save the world. She loved plants and the planet. Wanting to save it from the destruction that we, as humans, have caused to the world. This villain also wanted to save other women from abuse or mistreatment. From being put down for their being women or being different and to help them become the women they were meant to be. Something our heroine could absolutely relate to in the very core of her being.

 From there she needed to learn more about this world this man and plant woman lived in. She moved on to find an archer, who wore a green hood. A rich man who wanted to save people and be a hero. She found a strong woman, a Wonder Woman as it were. Who was not afraid to do what needed to be done to make things right. She laughed at a king, who was able to talk to fish and throw giant water bubbles, in the water. She felt kinship with the little boy who called out a word and turned into a superhero, like she wanted to so many years before.

She felt connected to these characters, to these heroes, to these stories which had helped her through her entire life to this point. They had been more like friends than pictures in a book. 

So when she was finally able to start being herself and started to have a crew and adventuring party as she grew into the adult heroine that is known now. People started to put these stories out into the world so that everyone could go and watch. She was proud, she was happy and she was so grateful that her childhood worlds were finally being shared with everyone in the real world in which she lived. 

And we come to now, where our heroine, sees everyone she knows talking about the next and final, for some, chapter of a group of these heroes which is coming in the near future. It makes her smile, it makes her cry a bit and it makes her so proud that this is a world where she finally belongs. Where she can proudly say, this is who I have been all along and here I stand and have others join her cheer as well!

Greetings From the Other Side of the Looking Glass

Hello Dear Readers, I know I have been so very absent this last while. I hope to rectify that very soon, as I have been feeling the call of writing again and need to answer this call. Inspiration she is a fickle mistress and I must heed to her whims.

For today's confession from this active gamer girl. I must take you back several cycles to something that was said to our heroine by someone who was a very important part of her adventuring party at the time. This person still remains important to her and her memories, though time and different paths have made these two have a gap in where we are in this adventure called life. Once a part of her crew, always a part of her crew in her heart.

So many cycles ago at this point, he said to our heroine, "what you are is good enough but you are too afraid to show it". Now, at this point, being only 22 or 23 cycles and knowing everything. She fought back, she told him he was wrong and that she would prove it. She started throwing herself at and into everything which she found a little bit of passion in and burning candles at both ends and once they were nearly meeting in the middle, she would simply move on to a new candle, continuously moving in circles and patterns never really touching down. She spent many cycles living this way. Keeping her amazing adventuring party close to her, always caring, but only letting a few actually in to see who she really was inside the very core of her being. 

A lot of this was because even then, she was fighting a battle, one which you all know she had waged a war against for a long time, Fear. She was hiding as she never wanted to be hurt by someone she cared for again. She was hiding because she cared too much about what other's say and think when she was not there. She had struggled with so many things, but she have mostly kept silent about them, locked away as she hadn't wanted to chase away any of those who she had chosen as her crew. She knew who she was, she knew that she had a place in this adventure called life, but she refused to accept that place and who that being. 

Switching gears on you here, dear readers. Confession time - 

I have fought with my own brain demons for many reasons and on many things for a long time, I am done. I am me, a gamer, a geek, a loving, caring, passionate healer, at times a fire mage, at times a bard, at times a druid in the woods. An animal and plant lover, there are reasons I feel I have a Poison Ivy side (thank you DC comics), someone who just cares too much about life. There are parts of my life you don't need to hear right now in such a forum as this, but if you want to know just ask, I am done hiding, I will be open, honest and as transparent as I can. But I am me, here I stand. 

I owe a lot of this to some of the most amazing people I could have ever had the privilege of having in my life and being in or adding to my crew. Finding out and remembering that I have so many amazing and wonderful beings in my life who are amazing examples, showing me it's okay to be who I really am. Who are so supportive, loving and fiercely compassionate about those who they call their own. I am so very thankful to have been able to have the strength to continue my path being fully myself.

Please don't follow my example, let yourself be you. Know that you are good enough, strong enough and loved enough to be yourself regardless of the things which your own brain demons are telling you. I am standing with you and we are strong together!

The Power Lies with the Broken they have the Potential to be so much More!

What you may ask has happened to our brave heroine in all this time, where has she been? She has been trapped. Trapped behind walls of fear with the monsters of Self Doubt guarding her cage. Trying desperately to escape. Afraid of what may happen next.

Continuously fighting battles with the monsters in front of her. These creatures of fear and pain battering her until she lies broken and bruised, tears streaming down her face. Their lies telling her she is not good enough, not intelligent enough, not attractive enough, telling her no one wants to hear her battle cry or have her join their party, leaving her wounds open and exposed. She feels each bite, each stab as they tear into her soul. Barely the strength to lift her head much less defeat these horrible monsters which have been her battle most of her life.

She has found her way back to her cell each night only to lay awake trying to go over each failure, each chink in her armor of self preservation and scars tissue on her soul. Wanting so badly to find some way out of their trap. She knows that she must break through in order to save herself. She must find the strength and her voice to get through these walls, and break out of her cage.

Our heroine starts to scream her battle cry, "I am enough!" She hears other voices join hers and knows she is not alone in this place. She hopes that her voice joining their's will help in each of their fights. Knowing they are not alone and that they are all together, sending her healing energies out to each of those lives who have been part of her crew, her raid and her framily. Shouting from her cage that she is with them as well.

Hello dear readers. It has been quite some time since we were last here, life has taken quite the turn and as I come to the point where I approach another cycle around the sun I am finally finding my voice again. I have flown from the Tower and found my way to a Healer's Guild of sorts, which has been wonderful. There has been five long and mostly wonderful cycles around the sun with my questing partner. There has been a lot of happiness and good things. However there has been a rough patch for me...There are many battles ahead, and much to fear in this world. But know that I too fight these fights and raise my voice and tell you all I am here standing with you. Ready and waiting to fight next to each and every one of you who are battling as I am...We are the broken, and we have the potential to change the world if we can raise our voices and be heard.